The Impatient Inpatient
by LauralHilll
Summary: Sirius Black keeps a diary while he's in St. Mungo's after the Prank.


_**April 17**_

Second day here. They told me to keep a diary, so, here we are.

I got here yesterday, to the seventh floor of St. Mungo's, where they keep us crazy folk. Not the crazy folk who've been cursed into being crazy; this floor is for people who've got issues, as my father might say. They tried to force me to shower and take a potion and even, horrors of horrors, have my temperature taken in a very uncomfortable place. I pretended not to understand what they were talking about, and since they were just attendents, not Healers or Nurses, I was able to confound them into leaving me alone.

The main room was filled with crazies. Apparently there are Chronics (who may as well be put on the curse-damaged floor) and the Acutes (who have a hope of leaving, like me. I knew I was cute!). I don't remember everyone's name, except my roommate Wallace, who looks like he could be Hagrid's little brother. He's deaf and dumb and about five inches taller than me.

The head Nurse here, Nurse Sokatvich (I think she's Polish) is sort of creepy but not in a lewd way so I followed her to Group. She started by asking Mr. Darding questions about his wife, which I couldn't of course let rest. I quoted the Monty Python sketch at length, "is she a goer? wink wink! nudge nudge!"

Sokatvich couldn't stand for any humor of course, so she started reading my file out loud. For some reason I cannot fathom, almost every girl I'd shagged at Hogwarts was listed in there. At first I was a little embarrassed, but then I was like, yeah, what can you do, the ladies love me. Dr. Spiven couldn't stop laughing at me, although he read part of my file that implied I was faking it so I wouldn't have to go to Azkaban. I asked if I looked sane to him.

Sokatvich kept trying to embarrass me and I kept making a joke out of everything she said, but only Dr. Spiven was laughing. The other Acutes were sort of smiling, some of them, anyway, but not laughing. Finally she gave up and went back to Darding's sexual problems with his wife. Everyone was encouraged to really tear into him, it was sort of brutal. It was obvious to me that the poor bloke was a closeted homosexual married to a nymphomaniac - or to be more accurate, a normal, sexual healthy woman, who was just totally frustrated. Who wouldn't be? I felt sorry for her, but more sorry for Darding. I kept my mouth shut while everyone was rude as hell.

After the meeting, at least, the other blokes seemed embarrassed about being so cruel to Darding. It sort of reminded me of the chickens I'd seen next door at Prongsie's, how they'd all attack any other chicken that was wounded till they tore it apart. I asked the men how they could say all that shit, and they insist that the Nurse starts it. Darding says Nurse Sokatvich is a cruel and vicious woman who controls everyone here, making them shrink with fear and shame while acting all concerned. I said they should just tell her off, and they all looked at me like I was crazy (ha ha), and pointed to Wallace. "They cast spells on you if you misbehave." Apparently Wallace used to have a will, but now all he does is sweep the corridors.

I told them I'd break her. "I guarantee she lose her temper in a week, gents," I said. Half the blokes bet against me, which was exciting. Nothing like a challenge to get Padfoot going.

Anyway the rest of the day was a wash, we played cards and chess till it was time for bed. I won hundreds of cigarettes, but I started losing after a while so the gents wouldn't be without. I'm a nice bloke like that.

When we turned in, I whispered to Wallace, "You've really pulled it over on them." He didn't reply, of course, but I wondered if he was really deaf. I thought he'd give it up if we were alone, but no dice.

This morning I woke up "too early" to have toothpaste, so I bloody well brushed my teeth with soap. Apparently my singing woke up everyone, and they complained to Nurse Sokatvitch. She was going to lay into me about it, but I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel round my waist. I know what I look like with my shirt off. Of course I told her that they took my normal clothing while I was in the shower, and she instead reprimanded the aides for not giving me proper hospital digs. When the aid came by with the clothing, I took off the towel. I'd been wearing pants all along. Ha ha! She was really trying hard to keep cool after that.

Just had breakfast, so it's time to play cards. Will write more later.


End file.
